So just to give some background, I am diagnosed ADHD, very high functioning autism spectrum, and with long term depression since about the age of 8. I struggled aggressively with making friends, I struggled in school because I was bored, and my family was a mess so I never felt emotionally safe at home. I had a really emotionally negative childhood.
In high school I had a serious discussion with the headmaster where they floated that I was not capable of completing their program. I graduated with a 1.27.
when I went to university the first time, I had a massive breakdown due to external stressors and I ended up dropping out with a 1.35.
I had no friends, I had no family (that I wanted), and the words that underpinned every one of my interactions and attempts to better myself for the first 20 years of my life were, “you are not good enough“.
I told myself things like, “you have no friends, because you don't deserve friends”, “you can't be happy because you don't deserve to be happy”, “nobody will ever really love you because you're fat & socially awkward”.
I knew that this wasn't true, but I felt like people always judged me through the benchmarks that society places on us. As long as those benchmarks said I wasn't worthy, no matter how much I disagreed, others would side with the benchmark.
After dropping out of university, I became suicidal and spent a week trying to find a way to do it without affecting anyone else in the process. I realized that this wasn't physically possible, that there was no way that I could die without at least 1 person having a negative reaction to it.
I checked myself into an outpatient clinic, moved to a new country, got put on ADHD medication, started working out, and started to push the boundaries of my social comfort zone.
we are now 7 years later, and as of today, for the first time in my life I am genuinely happy.
I have friends who I know genuinely love me,
I am finally getting into a physical shape that I am happy with,
I am confident enough to sing in front of people,
I am getting attention from girls for the first time,
I am very successful in my work,
and today I got the final marks from my 2nd attempt at university.
(a First is the highest grade you can get)
For the first time, that self doubt, self hatred, and anxiety is gone. I know I AM GOOD ENOUGH and now I can prove it.
The message I wanted to get out there is that no matter how shit you think your circumstances are, no matter how many times you think you fail to measure up to the standards of others, if you keep trying to progress, you will eventually get there. the road is long, its fucking brutal, and sometimes you stumble into the ditch at the side, but you'll eventually climb out of that ditch, and make it to the next milestone.
You are good enough, you just might need to blow the dust off of your potential so others can recognize it.