Just wanted to tell my story, as i have no miracle spell that will work, maybe you can relate to something that might motivate you to keep going and stay strong.
When i went to high school (im from germany but that should tell you about the age-range im talking about) i had a horrible time. I was always a clowny kid, which worked well in elementary school. The sudden cut to a new school with new kids brought me into this though. I loved to laugh, make stupid jokes, just to have fun. But then i got a new class full with 12 year old “cool kids” who picked me as the chosen one right away. Told me i should stop acting like a child (the fuck, i WAS a child) and they did everything to make life miserable. As soon as the teacher wasnt looking, something got thrown at me or else. Between classes (5 minutes) was the hardest, since teachers changed and the class was unsupervised for a few minutes. My pencils flew though the classroom, i had to endure mean comments on my clothes (well, no shit im 12 so of course my mom still buys my shit?) etc.
School trips were horror. Most of the times i just wandered around the area on myself, trying to kill time. Often, when i came back my bag was all over the floor or like one time, they threw my stuff out of the window. I dont wanted to stay home during the trips though, scared this would bring me even more on the outside.
Almost every night before i fell asleep, i told myself something like “tomorrow you have to change, you have to make friends, try to be cool and nice and they will like you”. Well, you cant change, and you shouldnt. I thought a lot about how to stop bullying. Adults wil tell you to just ignore it and they will get bored. They will not, they will try to make more noise to get your attention. Im against violence, but in hindsight i think standing up for yourself is the only way.
My parents never..cared..or had an idea..? I never figured out. They just wondered why i turned more depressed over time, but blamed it on puberty. My mom often asked why i wasnt meeting friends after school, and this was extremely hurtful for me. One time she really nagged me about going out with friends, so i broke into tears and told her that i DONT FUCKING HAVE ANY FRIENDS! I never said that before because i dont wanted my parents to know what i was going through. Dont know why though, pride? One birthday she gave me one of those books that you give people to write something nice about you, which was hard for me. I never got those books from other kids to write in. I tried to ignore it but she kept asking me to give it to other kids to write in. I “lost” it someday. I also could never to to the cinema to watch the movies i wanted to see, because i did not have someone to go. I could not go swimming because thats also a “social” thing. I tried it once in summer, sitting on my lonely towel, felt awkward, and left 30 minutes later.
As time went on, i discovered world of warcraft (such a cliché huh?) and it sucked me in. I spent ALL day on it, every day. School-eat-world of warcraft-sleep-repeat. Since i spent so much time on it, i became good and people started to like me, invite me to partys, talk to me in teamspeak. People commented on my cool armor. It was a fake world, but finally being someone, and not just the maggot i was at school, meant the world to me. My parents hated it though, of course they realised i was addicted. Sometimes they cut the internet off in the middle of something, and i would totally lose it. I am and i always was a chill guy, but this was like you steal someones heroin. I would search the whole house for the router. I would yell at my parents. One night i even got into a fight with my dad, and hes a NICE guy. Like marshall erikson nice. I still remember that he had to hold me with full force. Never again have i acted this way. That night i also punched a hole into a wall (it was some weird cardboard wall that looked like a normal one, im not hulk) and to this day my mom keeps it there as a “reminder”.
She still sometimes “jokes” about it. One time i was very close to tell her WHY i was acting that way back then, WHY i was playing that game so much, because i had NOTHING ELSE, but she put no effort in looking behind the courtain. I would title her kind of ignorant and i gave up arguing with her about a lot of topics a long time, its just a waste of time.
Anyway, i finished school, the last 2 years got better. But only because there was another poor guy who drew the short one. I got my first job, my first girlfriend, and this new life healed a lot.
2 years ago, after a tough breakup, i went on a 10 month trip to australia and NZ, and i had the best time of my life. I quit my shittie job, sold my beloved car, and there i was. At this point i was still in a lot of doubts because i still struggled to keep friends, and the breakup did the rest of it. During this trip though, i met hundreds of different people. I made a lot of friends all around the world, was always around someone, exploring stuff. And i hooked up with heaps of girls. And a lot of the people i met during my journey told me how fun it was having me around, what a cool guy i was etc. i finally felt appreciated. This trip did so much to my confidence, and made me overall feel in peace.
This is my favorite picture, on Mt Ngaho..nighar..its the vulcane from lord of the rings. http://imgur.com/a/8fLFD
I was always positive, even in school. I told myself that it will get better. I still always do, it can always be better. If something is shit at the moment, it will not stay shit. Today i have a beautiful nice girlfriend who has a big heart, i found a not-so-shitty job that is paid not-so-shitty, and we live in a nice appartment that looks exactly like i imagined it (she gives ma lots of space for my weird ideas). And i found people i can hang out with.
So in total, i feel peaceful. I went through a lot of shit, but i love my life. Its just school. Kids are horrible. You can make it. I actually know that i accomplished a lot more then most of the kids back then who bullied me. I dont care a lot nowadays, but it still feels good. Its not like im driving by in a new lambo. But i still feel like i made it, against their “predictions”.
btw. I even got myself roasted on reddit! Being able to laugh about yourself is very valuable 🙂 https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/4udysr/was_struggeling_for_a_week_if_i_should_get_myself/
So, i know this text is nothing that will instantly change someones life, neither its well written, but if there is only one kid who finds itself in the same situation and maybe draws some kind hope out of it: your welcome 🙂
Also, go to NZ, its awesome.